Too young to feel this old

Jennifer Lett
12/14/09
FD4




In the United States, men account for ten percent of the population who suffer from anorexia. One out of five men would trade three to five years of their life to achieve their weight goals. One out of four men are on a diet at any given time. According to Sokol, a child and adolescent psychologist at Menninger, a psychiatric hospital in Topeka, Kan, "It is more dangerous for men to develop anorexia nervosa than for females ... because when males get down to the lowest weight ranges, they've lost more muscle and tissue, whereas [fat] is something you can lose for a period of time without repercussions."[Thesis] Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of all mental disorders. [Thesis] This is John and George's story.

John is making progress. Today, he has eaten one whole apple. He spends most nights alone in his room, imagining the feasts he would eat if only he could. George is an all-star athlete, and has been since age five; he plays rugby and chases after girls. He weighs a healthy 180 lbs. Occasionally, George will pose for the school’s calendar – he sports a well-defined six-pack. George tried out for the wrestling team last week. It was the first time he had ever fasted. He fasts once a week. Once, during his fast, he put a piece of chocolate in his mouth, savored it, and then quickly spit it back out.

John’s liver is failing him. At 6’3 he weighs 115 Ibs – this is the average weight of a woman standing at 5’2. John’s journal reads, “Fat is your enemy. Don’t let it take control. Food is TOXIC.” He repeats this passage in his head until his inner voice overcomes the sound of his stomach’s grumbling - the journal tightly clenched underneath his frail arms, now, not so much arms as they are skin and brittle bone.

George is running twice a day now. He wakes up most mornings at 3 a.m. and has learned to control his appetite by aggressively brushing his tongue until the taste of food is smothered by the taste of his own blood. He consumes only 500 calories a day. Lunch consists of two chicken breasts and dinner is a lean cuisine. George has made the wrestling team. He is determined to maintain his weight class. He offers an inordinate amount of energy to defeating fellow schoolmate, Brian, who stands at 5’11 weighing 144 lbs. George has become accustomed to winning - and with that idea he rewards himself with thoughts of Jenna and her skin tight jeans.

John’s hair has begun to wither and is falling out. He noticed it one morning on his way to school. John was making his way to the back of the bus as he usually does when he discovered a trail of hair along the aisle after he sat but said nothing. He sits with eyes dimly lit and his mind wonders. A long time ago, it seems, he had a close group of friends. Occasionally, they pass each other in the halls but they only see his pale skin and stare at his nervous hands. He avoids them, and comes home to an empty home. There is nothing for him to find when he arrives at his home, so he finds comfort in being alone.

The first match of the season gives George his anticipated and hard earned victory. He is celebrated by his teammates as they carry him through the gym like an emperor. It seems a throng of young girls have gathered to congratulate him; Jenna, has become somewhat infatuated with George. He finds her sitting at the bleachers during his practice. She stares admiringly at him, she laughs coyly and her eyes invite him over. George is suddenly aware that his weight loss is inarguably making him feel attractive, faster, and stronger.

John has been hospitalized. His doctor is talking to his father; John can barely hear and cannot speak. He is being fed through a tube. He has only seconds of clarity, John is heavily sedated. His father is very old-fashioned, he has never heard of what this doctor is explaining is his son's condition. "Twenty-five percent of males are now diagnosed as having Anorexia Nervosa. Mr. Dunne, if your son refuses the treatment, the likelihood that this fatal mental illness will take its course is almost certain," "Well, how long do you give 'em?" "It is hard to say, but my medical opinion is one month." "In ninety percent of bulimia cases, the liver fails, then the kidneys, oftentimes the intestinal tract develops excruciating ulcers and then finally, cardiac arrest." "I am sorry, there is nothing else I can do."

George and Jenna have been dating for three weeks now and they are inseparable. Jenna worries that George does not eat as much as most boys in her class, but she does not bring this concern to George's attention for fear of disappointing him. He is afraid to tell her the truth about his eating habits. He begins to find food repulsive and Jenna is beginning to take notice of this. George is not running as often as he used to and soon enough, his wrestling Coach starts to notice as well. "I want you to understand something now George, fasting is one thing. We fast before a game as a group to cleanse our bodies and clear our minds for a day or two and then begin a regimented diet. But what you're doing is going to cost you. Its gonna cost you a lot. Men lose muscle when they starve themselves. Get it? You can't be on my team if you got an eating disorder."

John's liver is failing; his skin has become jaundiced and his hands are now a bluish green. His father's visits are less frequent; his attitude towards his son's condition is disturbingly apathetic. John's father tells the school that his son has contracted the flu and is home, bed-ridden. No one knows the truth. John's journal sits at home, pleading to be read.

Jenna has distanced herself from George; her friends call George a freak. George avoids all situations that might lead him to eat. His eating habits are now precarious; he counts five pieces of cornflakes and a fourth of an apple. He searches the internet for tips on how to conceal his illness. George attempts to recover his relationship and promises Jenna that nothing is wrong, "I just need to keep my weight class," "I don't have an eating disorder. I'm not a chick." He even takes her out to eat. Their plates arrive, George confidently takes a bite. He feels he has no choice. George excuses himself; as he walks to the bathroom, he starts to cry. He feels disgusted and angry.

John's heart has failed. He is gone. No one was there to see him die. After a brief recovery, John relapsed. His father refused to take John to support groups, sadly, no one in the family knew of his condition. John's father received the call early in the morning, "Ben, I am sorry. I don't know what to tell you. There isn't much time left. Come and say good-bye." But John was dead before Ben even made it into the hospital room. The room smelled of his son's death and with each breath he took, he felt his son's presence fading faster and faster away. He coldly wrapped his son's hands together in prayer form as he recited an, 'Our Father.'

Ben is driving home. He feels his eyes begin to water but he suppresses his reactions. Ben opens the door to his house and already, he feels the emptiness of the house - and his heart. He cannot help but to cry as he walks past his sons room. "Get through the day - at least today, Ben," he thinks to himself. It is evening now, Ben is looking for tasks to fill his time. He decides to do a load of laundry and instinctively walks to his son's room to gather John's dirty clothes. He remembers that his son won't be needing anymore clean clothes. Exhausted, Ben sits on John's frail bed and feels a sharp pain in his leg. It is his son's Journal. John's Journal is full. The past three years of John's life are documented in it.

The following morning is colder than usual. George is on his way out. He notices a fresh paper has arrived and is waiting for him on the front steps of his porch. George kneels to pick up the paper and slowly reads the bold headline,
"John Dunne - 17, Dies of Anorexia."



"Love built on beauty, soon as beauty, dies" - John Donne

Log of Completed Activities

_X__ Nov 16M- Intro to Paper #4: Read Guidelines for Paper #4: Literary Journalism (Confirmation reply required.)
_X__ Nov 20F- Complete readings for paper #4: chap. 15 (Confirmation reply required.)
_X__ Nov 25W- Laulima Discussion #1.
_X__ Dec 1 (Tue)- Laulima Discussion #2.
_X__ Dec 4F- RD4 due [50 pts] Review the guidelines. (Confirmation reply required.)
_X__ Dec 7M- RD4- Reviews due [50 pts] Review the guidelines. (Confirmation reply required.)
_X__ Dec 10-14- FD4 due [150 pts] Review the guidelines. (Confirmation reply required.)

What if this is as good as it gets?

Jennifer Lett
FD5
12/11/09




When I was ten years old I spent an entire summer in my room in front of my t.v. - alone - for ninety-eight days and ninety-nine nights all I did was watch and re-watch all of my favorite films. One film in particular, "As Good as it Gets" spent the longest time in my vcr. It couldn't have made much sense to me as a ten year old child but I watched it. I watched it while I brushed my teeth in the morning and as I got ready for the day. I would watch it while I ate. What does a ten year old girl know about social anxiety or obsessive compulsive disorder? What does a ten year old child know about the trials and tribulations of life which lead people to premature insanity and settling for a relationship which they know is destined for failure? According to my mom, "Ju don't even know how to wipe jor ass." I seriously doubt it mom.

However, I do believe that this movie served a useful purpose in my life; thanks to this movie, I now know that people who have O.C.D. typically tend to distrust others' abilities to clean silverware thoroughly. I also learned that maniacal older men can win the affection of sexy and overworked women easily, as long as the woman in question is vulnerable and the man in question pays her a compliment on occasion as well as her son's medical bills. In fact, I learned about the dynamics of complicated relationships through this movie and If I am to make a valid assesment of the influences in my childhood that are still a part of my life 'as an adult', I would have to acknowledge that watching film and studying people has and will always be a part of my life.


When I was twenty-one, I went to India, I found myself surrounded by people who I couldn't sit and have meaningless idle chit chat with - for the most part, we didn't speak the same language. I had to figure out what to do with the silence. I could participate in life through observation. That is the feeling that I experience when I watch a really great film. I felt the same way when I saw the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. This film is set in New Orleans during the early 1900's. I felt connected to a place that no longer existed. I existed in this time and participated through laughter and tears, in much the same way that an audience observing a play might. It is a wonderful film about a boy who is aging backwards; he is born a sickly, rather ugly old man. The movie is three hours long, as I watched it, I felt myself age.


This film is many things to many people. I felt the movie was about love; a mother's love, a father's love, a husband's love, and a man's love, abandonment, heart break, love lost, and fantasy. I could literally pause or fast-forward all of the painful experiences of life which are quite frankly drawn out, repetitive, and sometimes a bit boring and still understand human nature just by watching a great film like Benjamin Button. And yes, perhaps to someone else this movie was not about love, maybe it was about struggle or about independence. It could have been about loss. Perhaps, the movie, the Curious Case Benjamin Button was about family or maybe it is just an old tale about old people. That is the beauty of film. Like Theatre, film has evolved from story-telling. Film can offer catharsis or a feeling of emotional cleansing to anyone; a muti-cultural therapeutic tool. The same kind of release we can feel from a warm hug. Films offer us a chance to spend time with ourselves, the unadulterated version of ourselves - no pretensions. If we sit and analyze, observe or 'watch a person long enough, we discover their humanity.' But, what we are really discovering, is our own humanity. I'm certain that soon enough, when I begin the semester at Miami International University of Art that I will keep this in mind. I will remember that every moment is as good as it gets and that every second of life is precious, while we are dying someone is living and while we are being someone is watching. My real story isn't special. I am not special. I am just like everyone else.

All that separates me from almost everyone else is one vital piece of information - I understand that success in life-- be it happiness, academic achievement, money, or family requires me to see what is really there, take what I see that is really there and make it so much brighter than it is. With a sense of urgeny, I have been cultivating that passion since I was ten.

RD4

                                    All American Boy

 

           

            John is making progress. Today, he has eaten one whole apple. He spends most nights alone in his room, imagining the feasts he would eat if only he could. George is an all-star athlete, and has been since age five; he plays rugby and chases after girls. He weighs a healthy 180 lbs.  Occasionally, George will pose for the school’s calendar – he sports a well-defined six-pack. George tried out for the wrestling team last week. It was the first time he had ever fasted. He fasts once a week. Once, during his fast, he put a piece of chocolate in his mouth, savored it, and then quickly spit it back out. Anorexia does not only affect women. [Thesis]

 

            John’s liver is failing him. At 6’3 he weighs 115 Ibs – this is the average weight of a woman standing at 5’2.  John’s journal reads, “Fat is your enemy. Don’t let it take control. Food is TOXIC.” He repeats this passage in his head until his inner voice overcomes the sound of his stomach’s grumbling - the journal tightly clenched underneath his frail arms, now, not so much arms as they are skin and brittle bone.

            George is running twice a day now. He wakes up most mornings at 3 a.m. and has learned to control his appetite by aggressively brushing his tongue until the taste of food is smothered by the taste of his own blood. He consumes only 500 calories a day. Lunch consists of two chicken breasts and dinner is a lean cuisine. George has made the wrestling team. He is determined to maintain his weight class. He offers an inordinate amount of energy to defeating fellow schoolmate, Brian, who stands at 5’11 weighing 144 lbs. George has become accustomed to winning - and with that idea he rewards himself with thoughts of Jenna and her skin tight jeans.

            John’s hair has begun to wither and is falling out. He noticed it one morning on his way to school. John was making his way to the back of the bus as he usually does when he discovered a trail of hair along the aisle after he sat but said nothing. He sits with eyes dimly lit and his mind wonders. A long time ago, it seems, he had a close group of friends. Occasionally, they pass each other in the halls but they only see his pale skin and stare at his nervous hands. He avoids them, and comes home to an empty home. There is nothing for him to find when he arrives at his home, so he finds comfort in being alone. 

          The first match of the season gives George his anticipated and hard earned victory. He is celebrated by his teammates as they carry him through the gym like an emperor. It seems a throng of young girls have gathered to congratulate him; Jenna, has become somewhat infatuated with George. He finds her sitting at the bleachers during his practice. She stares admiringly at him, she laughs coyly and her eyes invite him over. George is suddenly aware that his weight loss is inarguably making him feel attractive, faster, and stronger. 

John has been hospitalized. His doctor is talking to his father; John can barely hear and cannot speak. He is being fed through a tube. He has only seconds of clarity, John is heavily sedated. His father is very old-fashioned, he has never heard of what this doctor is explaining is his son's condition. "Twenty-five percent of males are now diagnosed as having Anorexia Nervosa. Mr. Dunne, if your son refuses the treatment, the likelihood that this fatal mental illness will take its course is almost certain," "Well, how long do you give 'em?" "It is hard to say, but my medical opinion is one month."         

George and Jenna have been dating for three weeks now and they are inseparable. Jenna worries that George does not eat as much as most boys in her class, but she does not bring this concern to George's attention for fear of disappointing him. He is afraid to tell her the truth about his eating habits. He begins to find food repulsive and Jenna is beginning to take notice of this. George is not running as often as he used to and soon enough, his wrestling Coach starts to notice as well. "I want you to understand something now George, fasting is one thing. We fast before a game as a group to cleanse our bodies and clear our minds for a day or two and then begin a regimented diet. But what you're doing is going to cost you. Its gonna cost you a lot. Men lose muscle when they starve themselves. Get it? You can't be on my team if you got an eating disorder." 

         John's liver is failing; his skin has become jaundiced and his hands are now a bluish green. His father's visits are less frequent; his attitude towards his son's condition is disturbingly apathetic. John's father tells the school that his son has contracted the flu and is home, bed-ridden. No one knows the truth. John's journal sits at home, pleading to be read. 

        Jenna has distanced herself from George; her friends call George a freak. George avoids all situations that might lead him to eat. His eating habits are now precarious; he counts five pieces of cornflakes and a fourth of an apple. He searches the internet for tips on how to conceal his illness. George attempts to recover his relationship and promises Jenna that nothing is wrong, "I just need to keep my weight class," "I don't have an eating disorder. I'm not a chick." He even takes her out to eat. Their plates arrive, George confidently takes a bite. He feels he has no choice. George excuses himself; as he walks to the bathroom, he starts to cry. He feels disgusted and angry. 

   John is dead. No one was there to see him die. His father is secretly ashamed. He coldly wraps his son's hands together in prayer form as he recites an, 'Our Father.' His father drives home; he feels his eyes begin to water but suppresses his reactions. He curiously steps into John's room. John's journal is full. The past three years of John's life are documented in his Journal.